Relationships, women

Is Liking other women’s selfies on FB inappropriate for a man in a relationship? 

Yes. This is about Mona. Yes, many of you don’t like her. But here me out…

So I’ve worked in the corporate world in my career and have been friendly with lots of people.  Yes, women too. Talking in the office, going out for happy hour. Etc. 

And on Facebook, I’m connected with many people I’ve been friendly with throughout my life. 

Yes, women too. And when they post pics, I’ll occasionally hit the Like button.

Now, my current company does have an office building in Manhattan and I do go in occasionally.  One day, an ex coworker, Beth, checked in on FB next door to my building. “Whoa, you work that close to me? Let’s have lunch one day” I posited innocently. 

Now, last Friday I went into the office.  I had my annual review so I pitched lunch with Beth. She couldn’t do it but said yes to drinks. 

Mona was very concerned about my review and wanted to know how it went. But after the review, I had to work then went out to meet Beth in Grand Central Station for a drink like old times. 

But I never texted Mona. 

And Mona let me have it because I didn’t text her how my review went or even say that I was leaving work before I went to have a drink with a FEMALE friend. 

Ugh.

I’m sure that I was hanging out with a woman didn’t help. She’s never been friendly with male coworkers. 

Is it inappropriate for me to be friendly with women? Most men don’t have female friends. I get that. This was nothing more than catching up with someone I used to work in the same office with. Not like Beth and I are going to start regularly hanging out.

So Mona and I had many conversations about my not texting her and about my drinks with Beth but eventually her head cooled down.

And then, Mona looked at Beth’s pics on FB. Especially those that I pressed Like on. Mona took note of the selfies I Liked.

By the way, Beth happens to be really attractive. And in selfies, not that she’s doing much more than smiling, but she looks good in all pics that she takes. It’s not like she’s doing anything excessively sexy or is scantilly clad but she’s good looking in general and that’s just how it goes. And I hit Like on some of those pics. 

And Mona, seeing this, lost it. Like, told me not to come over tomorrow, saying how inappropriate it is if I hit Like on an attractive Facebook friend’s pictures. Specifically, 10 pictures in 19 months. Mona texted me the pics.

Now, am I in the wrong? For meeting up with female friends while having a girlfriend? For liking female Facebook friends’ pics on Facebook? For having female friends? (Not like could give a rat’s ass about that one.  I do.  Deal with it.) Does the fact that Beth is attractions cloud everything? (I’m sure that’s a yes.)

Relationships

We did NOT break up after all

I know, I’m going to hear it.

I did not break up with Mona after all.  We had a LONG therapy session, 2+ hours.  I did not hold back, even told her I came prepared to break up with her. I yelled a bit too… definitely lost my cool at times. 

I’ll spare the details, but we got to a compromise where she paid half of the damages of the glasses.

Well, not exactly. She treated me to something I was going to buy that was worth half the price of the repair. 

Why couldn’t she just give me $40? Beats me. She felt weird, I shouldn’t have agreed to take it in the first place, blahblahblah. It’s all very strange. 

Ladies, I know this sounds weird, but are you angels with your men? Do you give your men any quarter in arguments, or pull the “women are always right” card out more than you care to admit?

They say behind every angry woman there’s a man who had no idea what he did- that as men, we ride the unpredictable wave that is woman and try to provide stability. I chalk her behavior partially up to that. 

“Choose your battles wisely,” as they say. It wasn’t worth breaking up but I stood my ground enough so she had to compromise too.

We wound up having a nice weekend, though it was a bit tenuous at first since we had that crazy argument. 

Saturday we exchanged Valentine’s Day presents: she got me a couples massage/spa session plus tchotchkes, I got her some earrings and tchotchkes.

She did bring up the fact that I told her I was ready to break up with her.  A few times. She was obviously still taken aback from it. 

We had some advanced cuddling. I could tell that we both were slightly removed because of the fight still, but we wanted to get some momentum going, which helped. A little oxytocin goes a long way. 

We’re not fully healed but pretty close. I do love her. 

The thing that’ll really bother both of us is our schedule. I can’t work from her office anymore. She said it’s too distracting for her, even if I try to be quiet. So that means I see her a full weekend, then a Sunday of the next weekend, with that cycle repeating.

The full weekends won’t really be a full weekend. The Saturday of our full weekend, she’ll spend an afternoon with one child so I have to make myself scarce for 5 hours. This is a new development at the children’s request since they don’t see enough of the father.

Ups and downs. Mostly ups still.

Relationships

The Beginning… and the Middle… of the End of My Relationship

Well, Mona broke my glasses the other day. It was all in good fun, she went to straddle me and accidentally knocked into my glasses with her arm.

An arm of the glasses bent up, which is pretty standard damage.  But two pieces on the frame separated.

It was a Sunday by her place.  We went to an optician. Diagnosis? “They’re broke.  Go to a jeweler.” 

We went to a jeweler, they could be welded but they’re bent and should be unbent first. So I decided to take them to the optician where I got them during the week.”I’ll pay for them,” Mona offered, since she broke them.

“Thanks.”

PS They’re going to cost $80 to fix. Mona said she’d still pay for it…

UNTIL TONIGHT

She texted, yes texted that it bothered her that I would take her money. 

Ok, well… I’m $16k in debt, working a second job pounding the pavement for 5 hours at a time as I take pictures of real estate. I’m eating eggs because they’re cheap, turning down dinners with friends. Cut me some slack.  Actually, I said that: 

Also

And a…

for good measure.

Now, ladies. If you caused $80 damage to your bf’s glasses, is it out of line for him to take it from you? If we were married it would all be OURS anyway, but we’re not married. Should I have just covered it.”Be the man” as they say?

Obviously, the fact that I’m in a financial pickle makes it easier for me to accept the money. And more obviously, my financial pickle is what’s ultimately bothering her.

She threw it back it my face, of course, that my situation is affecting her too. That because of it we can’t proceed with things in our relationship. I can totally understand that. In her opinion, I can’t meet the kids until I’m out of debt which won’t be for ten months or so. She wants to travel, likes the occasional fancy meal, Broadway plays. She needs a financial peer or somewhat near that. 

Then after we both vented, it got eerily quiet. Mind you, we were texting this entire time. Ugh. But if I’m in a financial situation for a year and she can’t accept it, there’s only one thing to do:

Break up. 

Now, at almost two years, we can’t break up on text. And neither one of us were insisting to talk on the phone. Normally, if we’re fighting I’d give the ol’ “let’s talk on the phone, I don’t want us to go to bed angry.” But we weren’t angry anymore. 

We’re DONE. In my eyes, anyway. The writing is on the wall. And we weren’t ready to do it.

Now here’s the kicker… we scheduled to have a couples session tomorrow with the therapist whom we see individually. We WERE going to go back to her place then have Valentine’s plans on Saturday. Now, I don’t know of we’re going to the therapist tomorrow or doing Valentine’s at all. Probably not. Part of me thinks it’ll be almost fun to go in, start the therapy session, address this, break up in 10 minutes and leave.

But honestly, I can’t see this going past tomorrow. There’s no way my relationship survives the weekend. It’s sad. 

Worth noting… we haven’t had advanced cuddling in a month… or even kissed because of sicknesses, cold sores, her period, lack of time together. So her oxytocin snd dopamine levels are dry. I’m not saying that this is the only cause of her doubts in our relationship, but I absolutely think that it plays a part. Lack of sex can cause stress, frustration and anxiety. 

I’ll let you know how it goes. I know some readers have been in from the beginning and have responded negatively when I’ve written about our arguments, thinking that I’m putting up with too much. 

(Sigh) We’ll see. 

Money, Relationships

I’m happy with less debt

So, money is a big issue for me right now. I’m earning 20% less of my full time job from 3 years ago, but I’m happy with the work I’m doing. And I’ve accumulated not-insubstantial debt while unemployed. 

As some of you may remember, my gf Mona mandated that I start setting a therapist. 

HER therapist. 

I had to wait until I got a job but I started. And she, the therapist, Sylvia, got me really focusing on paying off my debt. I transferred 70% of the debt to 0 % credit cards. That idea hadn’t even crossed my mind before. But it IS helping me. The debt is going down quicker, I’ll give it that. I’ve paid off 17% of the debt with more scheduled. 

Plus I picked up a side job one day a weekend taking exterior pictures of real estate.  So that helps too.

I’m excited to see progress.

Career, Relationships

Holy crap am I exhausted

I’ve been burning the candles lately. And not even for fun purposes.

Working that 9-5. It’s going well, though last week my boss gave me a bit of a warning. This week is just busy, trying to ask for help less unless I REALLY need it, but stressing if I really need it or not, or if I should just think more of how I can do it myself.  Then time goes by and I still have to ask for help. 

Sometimes I tried to figure it out or took initiative and it backfired. Ugh. I’m getting trigger shy.

Then I communicate to my team that I was taking an hour in the morning to work in a project and not to be disturbed.  After the team ok’d it my boss told me I shouldn’t be doing that after I was almost over anyway. 

And I’ve had a cold for a week.

And I’ve been working my side job taking real estate pics for hours on end on my only free day of the weekend and I come home exhausted and can’t move. My apartment is a mess but I have no energy to clean. 

At night I’ve been uploading pictures. Like every weeknight for a while since I put it off for a couple weeks. Except this week because Google Drive tells me that my memory is gone and I’ve been deleting and deleting but haven’t moved the needle. 

My sleep was effed 3 days in a row last week.

I’ve had two cold sores in the past month. 

My gf and I haven’t kissed in forever between cold sores, me sick, her sick before that. I haven’t been able to work by her office in a couple weeks.  That really gave us some extra time. And we only really have a weekend every other weekend together which blows. Ok on the alternate weekends we have Sunday for 5 hours but it’s not the same. 

And… We haven’t advanced cuddled in a month.

I’m at my wit’s end. Need some time do get shit done. And some time to relax. And just more energy. 

Relationships

Where For Art Thou, Oxytocin?

I attended an “understanding women” course put in by women 10+ years ago. Very enlightening in many ways. One topic that I learmed about was the bonding hormone, Oxytocin. Oxytocin is released at orgasm, I believe, and women develop bonding feelings with whomever helped produce the oxytocin (and maybe even who was just near her at the time.) This bonding feelings will be with her for 2/3 weeks. 

So keeping the oxytocin flowing every 2/3 weeks sounds like a good thing for a relationship. 

Now, Mona and my advanced cuddle time has been less frequent lately than normal due to illness or just not being able to see each other.  So it’s been about a month in that end. 

And lately, I find us arguing more and more.  I don’t think it’s a coincidence. Is it the only factor?  Probably not. But it certainly isn’t helping. 

And actually now that I’ve written this out, this sounds familiar.  I think I’ve written this exact post before.  

Oh well. 

By the way oxytocin is released from many things, like (basic) cuddling, massages, yoga, laughter, gun shooting, etc. 

Relationships, TV

After over a year… We FINALLY watched something other than Game of Thrones! 

That’s right! I’ve been a HUGE GoT fan since season 2 but until she met me, Mona had never seen an episode. 

And we’ve now watched every episode together, which took over a year. Without watching anything else. No other tv shows, no movies on TV. Every TV watching experience has been Game of Thrones.  

Well now she’s /we’re all caught up, she’s seen through season 6 and loves it as much as I do. Well, maybe not THAT much (but loves the Targaryen socks that were part of her Christmukkah gift.)

And so, we can FINALLY watch something else on TV. And as a quid pro quo, she wants me to watch every episode of the USA Network show, Suits. We’re in season 2 and I’m enjoying it throroughly. No… it doesn’t have decapitations, ice zombies or dragons… but it’ll do.