Car

 Good Luck Pizza

Prologue: 

I live in an apartment building in Brooklyn.  I do not have a driveway and many here don’t so parking is always a challenge. This morning my car was on the next street down and the next avenue over. So the next block diagonally. 

Tomorrow, I am going to Mona’s house and I need to leave as close to 5pm as possible and it’s always great to have my car on my block. I work from home and tomorrow there’s street cleaning on one side of my block so at 9:45am I’d go to my car and move it to my block. That was the plan. 

End of Prologue

 What was I going to have for dinner tonight? I’ve been eating eggs or burgers alternately for the past 4 days. I wanted something different but didn’t want to spend a whole lot.

PIZZA!

I shouldn’t. I really should stay home and find something home that I can have for dinner,  but…

PIZZA!

But I’ve been doing so well making food at home. I shouldn’t eat out…

SCREW IT! I’M GETTING PIZZA! 

So I left my building and as I walked towards my corner I realized something: 

THERE’S AN OPEN SPOT RIGHT OUTSIDE MY BUILDING ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET THAT ALREADY GOT SWEPT TODAY! That’s it! I’m going to move my car NOW! 

Within a split second, I take off down my street, running towards my car. I had slip-on deck shoes on, not really made for running, but I was on a mission. I had to run the equivalent of almost two blocks and drive back and hope nobody takes the spot in time! 

I got to my car, adrenaline pumping, slightly winded from going from walk directly to full sprint. I hop in my car and I took off, sending mental vibes out there to keep the spot vacant until my victorious arrival. 

I turn 2 corners, drive almost 2 blocks down and…

IT WAS STILL OPEN! 

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS! VICTORY IS MINE, SAYS GRATUITOUS REX!

(My back was to my building.)

THANKYOU THANKYOU THANKYOU!

Now I would never have seen the spot if I hadn’t decided to get pizza! 

Oh, you delicious and fortuitous sustenance! You’re awesome in many ways! 

Car

Lots of Photo Taking and Losing My Car

So I put in a solid day of taking photos of real estate. Almost 5.5 hours, almost 8.6 miles. 

Maybe 20 minutes break in there. Maybe. I didn’t even eat lunch, I had a filling breakfast of a bagel with eggs. But still, 7+ hours of no eating during the day is surprising. I never really got hungry. And I had zero water to drink, which was bad. I brought some but I was in the zone.

But… my feet were (still are) KILLING ME! Most of the time… certainly a lot in the beginning… I was walking with great purpose, chugging along. Literally pounding the pavement. 

My dogs are BARKIN!

So when I got near the end of my intended route for the day… stores’ external lights had come on. The streetlights weren’t far behind. My feet were killing me. The last block or two would have to wait. 

So I walked back to the car. I remembered I parked on 44th Street.

But my car was gone. 

This was the block I’d parked on. It looked like it. To be honest, I was kind of fuzzy. In retrospect, I should have eaten something and drank water.  But I didn’t. And my car was certainly not there. 

Had I parked on 44th? It was an eastbound street, so an even number. I hobbled to 42nd. Nothing. I stumbled to 46th. Nothing. I walked down towards the next avenue and clicked my car alarm, the BOOP BOOPer as we call it. NOTHING. My personal gas tank was empty. I wasn’t walking with verve. I needed to sit.

Did my car get stolen? Did it get towed? Mother. Fucker.  I really didn’t need either (not that anyone ever really needs them.)

I texted Mona a bit. Will I call the cops soon? What’s my license plate? I don’t even know that. Wait. Yes. Yes I do. We used to enter it in a town database when I parked on the street in Mona’s nabe. No parking overnight unless I checked the car in. 

Ok but I’m still not convinced  that I didn’t just lose the car. Either way, I called my Uncle Jim. Jim’s a Brooklyn resident and wouldn’t you know it, he was home just waiting to rescue his nephew. 

In forty five minutes, he arrived. We drove in an S pattern. No car. Ugh. “Hey unc, let’s do an S around the next avenues.

Hey wait… this looks familiar. 

BOOM. There’s my car! I must have not walked towards the other avenue in that particular street while I was walking like a drunk man around the area (it WAS 44th after all.)

THANK YOU GOD! I knew that area of Brooklyn wasn’t bad anymore, especially for a car theft in the broad daylight. 

But I was a zombie the rest of the day. The mental anguish of the car ordeal combined with the with physical exhaustion made for one painful evening. 

Yes, I’d just lived through a Seinfeld episode, not finding my car. 

Giddyup!

Car, Relationships

Sympathy Pains

So on Friday I discovered that my car was broken into and my airbag was stolen.

I still drove to Mona that evening.  We had dinner, did some advanced cuddling and watched Game of Thrones. Everything is going extremely well, next week I get to see what her big surprise birthday present is. I’m pretty sure I know what dinner then post-dinner plans are, she’s given me hints.  But she insists that I’m wrong, of course.  Whatever they are, I’m sure I’ll be blown away by her thoughtfulness.

The next morning as we left to go to our homes, her car wouldn’t start! We tried to jump start her battery but that didn’t work.

I had to drove her home, first time I saw it live.

Ultimately,  she needed an entirely new battery.

I realize I had car problems the day prior,  but it was nice of her to have some herself to share in my pain.

She’s awesome.

Car

SONS OF BITCHES! aka STAY AWAY FROM MY CAR!

So a month ago I got to my neighborhood around midnight after a date with Mona and I had to park three blocks away. The next time I went to my car a few days later I saw that some jokester had raised one windshield wiper straight in the air and turned the passenger-side mirror forward (it can be turned back so it doesn’t stick out, I hadn’t realized that it goes forward too.)

Har har, you got me, you crazy kids,  whoever you are!  Good one!

This past Wednesday I came home late again and that spot was open so I took it. On Friday afternoon when I went to move my car,  I noticed that those  rapscallions did it again.  Crazy kids.

But as I lowered my windshield wiper and turned my mirror back,  I noticed that I left tons of stuff on my passenger seat: like napkins, my owner’s manual… my… insurance card? Why would I do that?

Uh oh.

I ran to the driver’s side, the door automatically unlocks via censor. I get in.

MY FUCKING DRIVER’S-SIDE AIR BAG IS GONE!!!!!!!!

image

People are still stealing air-bags? What is this, the 90’s?

My NEW CAR! NOT 3 MONTHS OLD!

The contents strewn about also  included my registration card, GPS, 3 $1 bills, the plug to a phone charger,  gum, tic tacs, etc.

I did notice a $10 bill was missing,  though. And that they popped the driver’s-side lock to get in, and the trunk was open.  Nothing missing. 

Fucking thieves!  I hope their hands melt! Makes me want to park there again, but stay in the car under and blanket, waiting with a gun ready.

Ok, I won’t do that.  But I want to.  Fuck them for violating my personal space and stuff, for causing me $500 damage (deductible, insurance will cover the rest), for fucking with my time because I have to bring it into the shop, get a rental, etc.

Fuck them!

I’m the Anti-Billy Ocean today. Get OUT OF my car

Car

Shrinking pains

Ok, so my last car, the car whose lease just ended, was a mid-sized car. My new car is a small model. I downsized model, upsized features. I have a moonroof now, that was the big thing I wanted. But there are also nice rims, reverse camera, passenger side blind spot camera, and that screen that those cameras show up on is also a digital screen for my radio/bluetooth for my phone, etc.

Slick.

EXCEPT… the car has small car cogliones. It being smaller, weaker engine, lighter in weight than my old car. And that makes a huge difference while driving over 60. And with those differences, its handles differently at higher speeds. I did not realize that. Yes I test drove it but it was in the streets only. Today was the first time I’ve opened it up. I’ve still got to get used to where everything is in the car, and all of the settings, etc.

And I’m stuck the car for 35 & 1/2 more months.

Eh, I’ll get used to it. One can get used to anything, I’m sure it’ll be fine but I have to remember that for the next car, which I’ll probably buy.

Also, another thing I have to remember for my next car… having radio controls on a digital screen is an AWFUL idea. Now I have to look at the screen to change stations/toggled bt AM and FM, and using Bluetooth can be done voice-controlled but the readouts are on the touch screen too.

Wow, that’s SO DISTRACTING, such poor design. I did not realize that I rarely even looked at my prior car radios because I knew there the buttons and knobs were.

And my difficulty with the digital screen is probably exacerbated by the fact that I have poor depth perception due to my double vision. (Yes, I have double vision whenever I have both eyes open. I had a bad head injury when I was 12. My right eye(left when you’re looking at me) moves somewhat so they’re not always looking in the same direction. Some call it a “lazy eye” though you can’t always tell. Nerve damage. It’s like when you see two if you cross your eyes, that’s me… all the time. I used to talk about it when I used to do stand up comedy, that whenever I had sex it was automatically a threesome. Like I said, one can get used to anything.)

(And yes, I’m still allowed to drive a car.)

Car

3 Coincidences (last one was key)

So today on FB I saw a friend was in Pittsburgh and I suggested some things to do because I went there last year to visit a friend Steve and his wife Hilary when they lived there.

Not five minutes later, I get a text from Hilary about Dave’s birthday next week.

COIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCIDEEEEEEEENCE #1

Then a friend on FB (lots of these are FB related) posted a question to post a bad song that I often find myself singing. I then shut Facebook and thought.  What could it be?

It then hit me!  “Who Let The Dogs Out?”
(WOOF, WOOF WOOF, WOOFWOOF!)

Ok truth be told,  I like that song but I was in a pinch.

I opened Facebook back up and saw that the last person who commented said “Who Let The Dogs Out?”

COIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCIDEEEEEEEENCE #2!!!

#3 isn’t quite a coincidence. Ok here me out.

So I got my latest paycheck in the mail earlier this week. I finally deposited it today. And upon doing so I realized that my automatic payment to the car lease that I just returned STILL WENT THOUGH. 

TODAY!

Even though my new car company SAID THEY WERE PAYING IT!

Turns out, my New Car Lease Company did not let the Old Company electronically,  or even with an EMAIL. Of a PHONE CALL. They’re just mailing a check to the Old Company and in that USPS parcel will be the info.

Meanwhile, the Old Company has no idea to not cancel the automatic withdrawal from my checking account.

So yes, they withdrew from my account TODAY.  And… thinking I didn’t have to make sure the monthly payment money was in anymore, my checking account went sub zero.

HOWEVER, since I deposited the money today then I did not go into sub zero because the same day transactions canceled each other out.

If I would have waited another day to deposit my check I would have been F’D.

COIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINCIDEEEEEEEENCE #3! (sort of)

(I’ve since given the New Car Company a piece of my mind. And still need to more. Those pricks!)

Car

I fucking hate car shopping

So my car lease is over soon and I needed to move on a new car. Ok, I could have waited a month or two, but some dealers still have 2015s so I thought I’d get a good deal.

I went to a number of dealers to see what prices they had: Ford, Toyota, Honda, Hyundai, Subaru, Volkswagen. I think that was my first mistake- song to many,  or at least not documenting each one’s offers better.

I had been leasing a Brand X MidModel, but I wasn’t married to it for my next round. In fact I wanted to save some money given my work situation of being a sporadic consultant, so I figured I’d go to a smaller type of car.

So let’s say my current payment was M.

I found a really affordable deal at brand X for their SmallerModel and was going to go with it, price was M-$42 (Saving $42).  Had some features my MidModel didn’t have but was smaller. But truth be told, I didn’t like the car body. I was always trying to justify it in my head. And I would have made it work,  probably begrudgingly.

THEN Brand Y called me up to check in,  asked me to come in for even better offers for Labor Day. I figured it didn’t hurt to go there and if they didn’t have anything promising I’d then go to Brand X.

Brand Y did. Kinda.

Their SmallerModel but it did have a moon roof which I really had a yearning for, for some reason. It was M-$12 (saving $12) and I couldn’t talk them down further. I think I tried. I was getting exhausted.

Ok, saving some money, smaller car but a few better features.

I said yes.  It’s really a shame that I can’t talk to all of them on the same call or in the same room.  Brand X may have had a similar offer but I was loopy.

THEN i spoke go the FUCKING BRAND Y FINANCE GUY. My credit is awesome.  And said he could alter my lease a bit for better coverage options… AT A PRICE. Of course the first quote was really high so he replied with M+$4. It does give me a little better peace of mind with the extra coverage, and I may not need it.

Two things stood out:
1. The M-$12 option was 39 months,  M+$4 option was for 36 months and I hear on the three months difference if anything goes bad I’m out of warranty and I pay for it.

2. M+$4 offers $1,000 for scratch repairs upon return.  And I’ll admit it, I scratched my last car a bit.

I took quite a bit of time to decide, went back and forth. Oh the anxiety was ENORMOUS. That’s NOT a joke. I asked for it got free, he couldn’t. I asked for a few other options.  No dice. 

I then called him a vampire.

He took my anxiety pleasantly enough. FUCK it was difficult.

I eventually caved.  I’m paying more money for a 2015 SmallerCar than my larger 2013 MidModel but I have better features.

My original offer at Brand X SmallModel was M-$42 and I accepted M+$4.

I feel so irresponsible.

FUCK! !  FUCK CAR DEALERS! FUCK BRAND Y’S ORIGINAL WEIRD CONTRACT THAT THEY OFFER OPTIONS TO MAKE IT S BETTER OPTION AT AN ADDITIONAL COST!

FUCK MY DESIRE FOR A MOON ROOF!!!!!

image

Someone shoot me in the face.

Ultimately, FUCK MY WHINY-NESS! THIS BECOMES A NON-ISSUE IF I CAN JUST RAISE MY LEVEL OF HUSTLE AND PURSUE SUCCESS LIKE I DON’T HAVE INFINITE TIME AND CREATE A CAREER BREAKTHROUGH!