GratuitousRex

Time-Frame for Knowing I Want to Marry a Woman 

Ok ladies… let me have it

 I know everyone is different but is there a general time-frame in which you know that you want to marry a man? And is there a general time-frame in which a man needs to know if he wants to marry you someday? 

So Mona and I are closing in on sixteen months together. We’re 43 and 42. She’s getting divorced, has a 7 and a 4 year old. We’ve been arguing a bit lately about a couple things… but just when things settled she asked me a question, I forget the wording but it was basically “do you see us together long term and getting married someday? ” No time-frame, but she needs to know if I KNOW we are for sure.

(Her divorce is being finalized and we’ll be moving into the “stay over her house every other weekend for the entire weekend” phase, and me meeting her kids within six months after the divorce is final or so. I get it, she’s vetting me. And she doesn’t want to waste time.)
So did I say “yes, definitely, my love”?

No.

I don’t know why, but I said “as much as I can at this moment” or something lame like that. There was a crazy conversation that followed. She was mad and hurt. Feels like she’s wasting her time. I told her I’m not ready to talk about being with her forever yet. That wasn’t good enough. She needs me to be all in at this point. 

Yes, it’s been sixteen months. A week or two ago it wouldn’t be a question. I think the recent arguments really got me unsure. She’s very high maintenence and I’ve been dealing with it. But two dsys ago during an argument she actually texted “maybe you should be with a low maintenence woman.” Of course that was my chance. Or at least a test. I of course said no, but now she’s planted the seed of doubt.

That was yesterday and she still hasn’t recovered. Text wise it’s been a few short texts but mainly the silent treatment. 

(Sigh) 

Well, I see she just texted.  Let’s see what’s up now? 

38 comments

  1. The older I become the more I think a monogamous “on the weekends with breaks for family” relationships are best. Those high maintenance relationships invade too much of my space and stamina and monopolize the time. I don’t need drama and anxiety over this and that nonsense. Learned not to self define who I am or what I want and value based on the presence or absence of anybody or anything in my life. My art time, my reading time, my children and grandchildren time, my father who lives with me time, my writing time, all these need time and there are only 24 hours in a day. I don’t want any relationship that consumes me at the expense of all those things. Don’t want to become each other’s possessions. Then there is this blogging stuff which requires 75 hours a day !. And of course I need my grampa nap each afternoon.

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  2. It can take up to two years to really know somebody. You will know it in your gut what is best for the two of you. Try not to let the disagreements get heated. Try and take a deep breath and stay calm as you discuss the issues. I like how she admits that she is high maintenance and that takes a special kind of guy to stick with that kind of girl. Good luck to you in this time of decision. But don’t feel pressured into something you may not be ready for.

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  3. I knew within 3 months and so did he. He proposed after we had been together 17 months. We have been married for 15 years. Saying all of that, I think it’s different when you’re older and especially when she isn’t even divorced.

    What on earth are you arguing about?

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  4. Did you ask her if she’s sure about you? I wonder if she’d be just as sure.

    As a divorced woman who’s been separated just over 2 years (divorce is fully filed and pending), I’m not sure I ever want to remarry. It’s certainly not in my radar.

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  6. My question has always been WHY is she high maintenance. I’m demanding, meaning I have high expectations, but needing another person to “maintain” me? Red flag for me, because I believe it’s something deeper that for me I don’t want to handle – insecurity, neediness, self-centeredness, etc. I’m not sure what you’ve been fighting about but my advice to you is to think about what her core attributes are and if you’re willing to deal with them every single day for the rest of your life. We all have our quirks, of course, but some quirks are a better fit.
    I think your intuition already knows the right answer. I don’t like that she’s pressuring you and giving you a hard time about it; people make decisions in different ways and in different time frames and that’s okay.
    The other thing I will say is if it’s not right then be brave enough to end it. I knew my marriage wasn’t right and I did it anyway.
    If you want to talk let me know. xo

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  7. You know when you know, just like you know anything else. If you’re having doubts, then you’re not ready right now…simple as that. You still have yet to meet her kids and meshing well with them will be key to the continued success of the relationship as they are part of her complete package. So really, I think it might be slightly premature of her to ask something like that for now when you really haven’t seen the full picture yet. Honestly, as you make mention of how high maintenance she is pretty regularly, this is your kind of “now or never” opportunity to really assess how far you want to go with this.

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  8. My answer if asked this question would be: Let’s move in together and see what happens (personally I don’t think it’s healthy for her to jump from not even being divorced to dating you to moving in together, but that’s what has happened so now move in together and find out)

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    • oh, and I find it fascinating that she needs you to be “all in” when she isn’t even divorced yet…I’d say something like this: since she isn’t divorced yet, you two have an unusual relationship so you all will need to hang out as a family, and like I said, move in together and make sure you all function as a family…that you care for her/love her a great deal and the next step is to meet the kids

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      • Ahhh…I don’t understand the not moving in together thing but if that’s your way, that’s your way. So I guess, meet the kids (and spend weekends with the kids). This is crucial because one of my brothers married a gal after not knowing her for long. They took a vacation with the kids, and the gal treated my brother’s kids like shit and their marriage ended on that vacation…You need to spend time with her and the kids because that’s a whole different ballgame.
        Oh, and I like what Ann had to say…she gave some good advice

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  11. I’m jumping in again to say that I think it’s unfair of her to already expect you to know if you want to marry her. She’s not even divorced! I think it’s crazy that she wants to immediately go from one marriage to the next.

    What’s her hurry?

    You haven’t met her kids… but have you met her family? Her ex-husband? Her closest friends? All these things will give you a better idea of what you’re truly getting yourself into. I don’t think you can accurately assess someone until you know how they get along with those closest to them.

    I think it’s sweet and romantic that she wants to take the plunge… but I also see it as a big red flag, especially when she’s still living with her ex (I could be wrong… but I thought she still was?). Does she partly want you around for financial assistance???

    I dated my ex-husband for 4 years before we got married. I thought knowing him so well was a “guarantee” for not getting divorced. What I didn’t factor in is that people can change. The longer you date before marriage, generally the better… and at least for a year.

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  13. Having no kids yourself and having not yet met her kids – How can you know how well you’ll even get along with them? It’s tough enough being a parent, being a step parent can up the degree of difficulty. I’m guessing that the kids are part & parcel with getting married, so until you know if you can work and play well with her kids, you can’t be sure of anything. You might be able to use that as a legitimate reason for being unsure .

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