Late Night Vetting aka Being in a relationship means stop being single

So I’ve been interviewing quite a bit lately. Some companies are in the city in cool areas I’m familiar with that have good options for lunch or dinner/drinks after work.

I mentioned this to Mona tonight when I came over.

After I got home,  I received texts asking if that was what I wanted, going out after work a lot.


I don’t believe I said “a lot” but she did that’s how it came off. Plus i do talk about things I’ve done with people after hours often. And I can see what she’s doing, seeing if I would be making her a priority when I get a job in the city again, as she and I continued to get more and more serious.

I get it.  Will I be staying out instead of coming home to my woman (and maybe, eventually, my woman and her kids)?

In a few seconds, several things hit me:

1. Yes, I’m single and my life has been designed as such, with things to do after work with people, usually younger than I.
2. She never worked in the city,  never commuted into the city. She got serious with a man, moved in, in the burbs, got married.
3. The Weekday Night Out in the City is for young people with short commutes home. And though I’m single, I’m also 43 and should start acting my age, for the most part.  I don’t live in the city where going out with friends after work wouldn’t delay my home arrival that much.
4. She’s a mom. Has no time or ability to dilly dally.
5. There are a ton of people I socialize with: the friends I sort of grew up with is just one set. There is a good amount of ex coworkers I’m friendly with, or people I’ve met through various organizations and that’s so different than how her life is set up.
6. Yes, I know people with commitments and families put the commitments first and only have rare evenings out without their significant others, if at all.
7.  She needs to know if I’ll be one of those men in #6. Who can put her above a others, who can stop with the beingness of being single.
8. Duh

I’ve heard that relationship-minded women have the “9 month rule,” meaning that around 9 months they vet their men to see if there’s potential for a long term commitment, and if not will not stay with the man.  Mona and I just plowed past our 8 month mark.  This train is right on time. And we already have been talking about plans in April and July.

So of course I said that going out is a low priority in the face of higher commitments, which is absolutely true. She just needs assurance that a serially single man can change because she’s getting attached.

And I am too.

This is all a very good thing.


  1. You are right on target. Congratulations on being aware of what she may be feeling. I don’t think she wants you to give up your social life, she just wanted to hear if she needs to be a priority you can do that as well. I am rooting for two! G-uno

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This post actually sparked a novel’s worth of a response in me, but I will spare you the excessive wordiness and just go with this: It is never Never NEVER a good idea to change Who You Are for *anyone* – perhaps especially not while you are still in the throes of NRE. So while I can get behind the idea of prioritizing, I cringe at the thought of you giving up your time with friends, socializing in the ways *you* enjoy.

    While all that is truly needed is a dash of common sense and a pinch of compromise…

    Common sense can take a mad dash out the door when relationship pressure is brought to hear and compromise can pinch.

    Good luck.


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