Well, Mona asked me a question last night. Actually she re-asked, so I guess it was more of a check-in.
Do I ever want to have kids of my own?
It’s a important question in relationships to be sure. If two people aren’t on the same page, it would be a dealbreaker. Heck it was for me a couple years ago. A woman I started dating was dead-set against having kids. She was in her early 30s, just was no way interested in having kids ever.
So I broke up with her.
Now Mona is asking. She’s on the other side. She has 2 kids already and will not have any more.
Obviously, this is a good thing about the relationship, she’s starting to test my long-term potential.
So what’s my answer?
Well, let’s be honest. I would love to have kids of my own. Or should I say I wouldn’t love to HAVE HAD kids already?
Also, I’m 42. Let’s say I broke up with Mona today, found someone tomorrow (best case scenario) who I’m compatible with and is the one I want to build a family with, and wants to do so with me. Figure a year until married (again, best case scenario). Let’s say she gets pregnant on the honeymoon.
Infant Rex arrives when I’m about 44.
… I’m at a loss.
No that’s not true. The prospect of being an older dad does not inspire me. I know having kids when older is more and more popular these days. It’s fraught with lots of problems, but still doable.
And it doesn’t excite me.
Also, given my track record with the ladies, I have LITTLE FAITH that I can get this done.
Things with Mona have shifted into mid-term. The vetting process has begun. She’s awesome and more importantly WE are awesome together. I’ve never felt this great connection before. I love her, we’re really compatible on a number of levels so far. I’d like to see where this goes.
Also, this is the furthest I’ve ever been consecutively with a woman (approaching 5 months), and the thought of starting a relationship over from scratch isn’t exciting at all. So there’s that too.
Right now, I’m stuck between wanting children, being disappointed that I don’t have any yet (due to numerous reasons that I can’t get into or I’ll drink an entire bottle of vodka), loving her, still having my being under-employed cloud everything, admitting defeat on the children front and settling for pursuing at least a great female relationship without children.
Again, I’m not saying that she’s the one, but the next few months is the time to evaluate long term potential. Do I want to see that through?
Is being a step-father enough, nor having any kids of my own?
It’s not like this is a new set of concerns I’ve had. I’ve thought about this before.
So what did I tell Mona? I said I was ok with not having kids of my own. I’m more concerned with finding a great woman to build and share a life together with.
Ugh. This is the life that I’ve built.