Relationships

No Kids

Well, Mona asked me a question last night.  Actually she re-asked, so I guess it was more of a check-in.

Do I ever want to have kids of my own?

It’s a important question in relationships to be sure. If two people aren’t on the same page, it would be a dealbreaker. Heck it was for me a couple years ago. A woman I started dating was dead-set against having kids. She was in her early 30s, just was no way interested in having kids ever.

So I broke up with her.

Now Mona is asking. She’s on the other side.  She has 2 kids already and will not have any more.

Obviously,  this is a good thing about the relationship, she’s starting to test my long-term potential.

So what’s my answer?

Well, let’s be honest.  I would love to have kids of my own. Or should I say I wouldn’t love to HAVE HAD kids already?

Also, I’m 42. Let’s say I broke up with Mona today, found someone tomorrow (best case scenario) who I’m compatible with and is the one I want to build a family with, and wants to do so with me.  Figure a year until married (again, best case scenario). Let’s say she gets pregnant on the honeymoon. 

Infant Rex arrives when I’m about 44.

MINIMUM.

Ugh.

… I’m at a loss. 

No that’s not true. The prospect of being an older dad does not inspire me. I know having kids when older is more and more popular these days. It’s fraught with lots of problems, but still doable.

And it doesn’t excite me.

Also, given my track record with the ladies, I have LITTLE FAITH that I can get this done.

Things with Mona have shifted into mid-term. The vetting process has begun. She’s awesome and more importantly WE are awesome together. I’ve never felt this great connection before. I love her, we’re really compatible on a number of levels so far. I’d like to see where this goes.

Also, this is the furthest I’ve ever been consecutively with a woman (approaching 5 months), and the thought of starting a relationship over from scratch isn’t exciting at all. So there’s that too.

Right now, I’m stuck between wanting children, being disappointed that I don’t have any yet (due to numerous reasons that I can’t get into or I’ll drink an entire bottle of vodka), loving her, still having my being under-employed cloud everything, admitting defeat on the children front and settling for pursuing at least a great female relationship without children.

Again, I’m not saying that she’s the one,  but the next few months is the time to evaluate long term potential. Do I want to see that through?

Is being a step-father enough, nor having any kids of my own?

It’s not like this is a new set of concerns I’ve had. I’ve thought about this before.

So what did I tell Mona? I said I was ok with not having kids of my own. I’m more concerned with finding a great woman to build and share a life together with.

Ugh. This is the life that I’ve built.

Ugh.

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27 thoughts on “No Kids

  1. I am a firm believer in building relationships based not on what the other person can do for you (provide steady income, poo out babies), but on who that person is *to* you. Is she, as an individual, someone you want to be with long-term, regardless of what the long term brings?

    My husband, who was 43 when we married, made it very clear he wanted ME. Everything else was frosting on the cake. Sure, frosting is delicious. But it’s all just so much spun sugar.

    As a woman, and especially as one who cannot have children, it is incredibly frustrating to see people make a huge fuss about The Kid Issue. A woman is not a brood mare.

    Love each other for the sake of loving each other. Be together for the sake of being together. If you both want that, and can do that, you’ll work through it.

    From what I’ve read, you really care for Mona, and she for you. I sincerely hope you will choose one another, rather than what one can (or can’t) do *for* one another. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I’ve had this conversation with Bobby since he’s 40 and also childless. Think about how important it is to have kids of your own or a family. If Monas children are young you can carve out a great spot as a step-dad and that might fill your fathering gene. Or, it might not. Everyone is different. But think about being a father by marriage as well since hats the option with Mona if she has young children. Step dads are important!
    And if it is important to have your own progeny, you should get this with Mona and not just give up circumstantially. Tough decisions. But be true to yourself.

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  3. Given my parents fought endlessly, I never wanted to have children. I didn’t think having children would define my life. Also, when I came out, having children and getting married were not options. One more thing. you’ll be 64 when your child is 20.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. But children are not spun sugar. They are so much more than frosting. I think that if you truly want children of your own, and it sounds as though you do, you need to face that honestly with Mona.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yep. And I wrestle with the possibility of throwing away something great for a possibility of something that, given my track record, is a long shot of happening. She DID ask me that if I was with someone who wanted kids, would I have them? I said yes

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  5. Because there’s prob only about a 1% chance of your best case scenerio happening, I think you need to think about several things. As we get older, I think we have to continue to reevaluate what is important to us and know that expecting something to happen only leads to disappointment. Like now, if I REALLY wanted to focus on what I want, I wish i lived in Denver and had a boyfriend and owned my own house and made enough money so I can travel. But that’s not happening and I don’t focus on that because I don’t want to be miserable. So I focus on what I DO HAVE and be happy with what I have. What is it that having your own kids is so important to you? What ever it is, I think you can find that with Mona’s kids if you two end up living happily ever after. My brother divorced when his kids were about 4, 7, & 8. Their mom got married to another man about a year later. I’ve heard my nieces say many times “I’ve been lucky enough to have two fathers in my life.”
    And also, let’s say you do break up with Mona and do find someone else in the next year, there’s no guarantee you or her are even able to have kids…I know a couple of people who have struggled with this and it’s definitely not fun…

    Liked by 1 person

  6. At this stage she also shouldn’t even be considering a possible next husband. She isn’t divorced and I assume you are her first post-husband relationship? There’s a lot here to consider.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. “Infant Rex arrives when I’m about 44.”

    Scary. When I turned 44, the youngest of my two kids was a 17 yr old senior in high school. He’ll be 30 next month and is now a married homeowner with a child of his own (grandkid #3 for the spousal unit & I)

    Know what those grandkids have taught me? There’s a reason we have kids when we’re younger. I pinch hit for our older son’s day care service every now & then – 2 kids for 8 hours. It’s EXHAUSTING taking care of them for even a day.

    But you know – there’s no easy decision. Where’s Mona’s head on this? Where’s Mona’s body on this? I get that you’re trying to sort this one out for yourself, but like anything with kids, it the parents have to be on the same page right from day 1.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. I think you should meet Mona’s kids, hang out with them, influence their lives and let them into yours, Rex. And that will tell you if being a stepdad will be enough for you. If the relationship is good, they will fill your life. I’m a fan of you being with Mona. So far, very good, it seems. If you express an interest in getting in the kids’ lives, she may soften on that stance.

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