Because Planets! Your Snarky Horoscope Is Back and Better Than Ever

I don’t do horoscopes much but I like this one

Our resident astrologist just returned from a month-long interstellar vacation via a luxury comet. We’re happy to have her back on earth and dishing out advice with that potty mouth of hers.

Aries: Mar 21 – Apr 19

I know you feel smothered, Aries. Like country-fried steak with too much gravy. Choose a damn direction in your life, and your self-expression will blossom. You will have the capacity to write that song or play the stand-up bass or whatever artsy-fartsy crap makes you swoon. Today you are going to feel the pressure, though. It’s going to be from a loved one, and they are going to guilt you into doing what they want. So freaking annoying, I know, but it’s for your own good.

Taurus: Apr 20 – May 20

Today you feel like a martyr,  Taurus, and it’s not because you are the chosen one. It’s because you feel…

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