Needing to stop my nervous a pattern of failure aka Integrity Ninja

So at work I missed an email from a client.  Then he followed up yesterday and I missed that too. Ok, I didn’t miss them. I saw them, I read them and got nervous.  They were about something I couldn’t do and I feel bad about not being able to do it yet and I had to ask my coworker for help. 

The coworker was out the day it came in and I conveniently forgot to follow up, allowing a rush of work to distract me. If I can’t be honest on an anonymous blog, where can I? That’s what really happened. 

So I finally reached out to the client but it was too late. He got what he needed from someone else at my company. 

On its own, it’s not awful. But I’ve been noticing I’ve had to apologize regularly lately. If my boss notices, it won’t be good.  If not now then at my next review. 

And to be honest, this is a repetitive thing in my career. I’ll get a task, get nervous by it, my mind worries, I get confused and caught up, I procrastinate, I get distracted, things don’t get done, at some point it gets noticed or someone will definitely notice so I finally act on it and have to make some kind of apology.

The way my coworkers see me is probably NOT busy or even overwhelmed or anxious… they probably just think I’m irresponsible.

That… fucking… sucks. 

Yes, I realize that those are not characteristics of a good employee. When things are easy, I’m great. When things get difficult, or seem difficult anyway… I’ll get nervous, confused, will panic, shut down, then apologize and have to catch up. 

This is NOT how a successful person operates. I’m not proud of this. 

Truth be told, this is how I’ve always operated, since I was a kid. The typical procrastination thing. Which means I haven’t really grown up. 

That sucks. 

Why do I do it?  Whether it’s out of laziness, or lack of confidence/ worth, or low self esteem, or that’s the example I picked up from my parents, or whatever, it doesn’t matter. 

It’s time to put my Man Pants on.  

I’m not writing this to beat myself up. I’m writing this to make a change. 

I’m done with that behavior. I AM going to put that aside, and let something great take its place. I AM going to succeed in life. There are many things I need to improve on, this is one of them that I will.

Pride is vital and I need some. People will say that pride comes first to do great things, and some may say that I need great things to be proud of. It’s probably both. 

I’m going to up my level of integrity. There are always levels above current levels but one just has to own up to what’s so. And I’m doing that. That’s what’s so. 

Every day is a new opportunity to be better, and I’m going to take that opportunity. I’m going to start with a list of all the things I need to catch up on, and bang them out until I’m done. 

Integrity Ninja. I know it sounds corny but I need a term to associate with it to help remind me. 


Have a good night all.


Tell Me What to Write or How to Write It, But NOT BOTH

Have you ever come across these people who tell you what to do and how to do it? I have one at work. Ugh it’s annoying.  She’s not a manager of mine.  She’s a peer with 3 months of seniority over me. 

Granted, she picked up the job much quicker than I did, she has a much better facility with it. Maybe because she’s 20 years younger than I am and has many more brain cells (she’s not a party-er.)

Anyway, she was giving me some help “Rex, just tell the client that they have to do x, y, z… just say ‘hey Bob, thank you for reaching out, I can help you with that, just do x, y and z.'”

In the words of Peter Griffin “that grinds my gears.” Why? Because she told me what to say AND how to say it. I’m not going to remember the details of the quoted things you say to tell me. Have faith in me that I can explain concepts in a professional manner in my own words. Otherwise, I’d need to write down the specific dialog and that makes me look and feel like an idiot, like I need to be spoon fed. 

Perhaps that’s how she sees me. Or perhaps her way. After 9 months of working with her, I do think it’s her way. Then again she has a history of telling my boss things about me that she really should just tell me. 

Ah, work. 


Oh my poor blog!

Hey all,

It’s been like 2 weeks since I blogged last. Ugh. My schedule had gotten crazy. 

Work is going well. We’re shortstaffed, so it’s extra busy. 

I’m still taking external pictures of real estate in the side as well.  Got some good stories that I’ll save for another blog post. That’s one day a weekend. At least two evenings during the week I’m uploading pictures. I need evening time to do things for my day job so hopefully I can manage my time better. 

The other days of the weekend I’m seeing Mona. 

Wow. I’m pretty frenzied lately.

Also, I cut my debt by 58% since September. 

Mona and I are doing well. I don’t blog about every disagreement we have anymore. It’s not a lot, mind you.  Thankfully. We don’t spend that much time together, like 3.5 days every 2 weeks. She doesn’t feel the kids are ready to meet a suitor yet so I’m relegated to non-kid time. 

Eh, such is life. I’m just trying to pay off debt so I can start saving up again.

Coincidences, TV

The Agents of SHIELD Coincidence

So here I am, watching the latest episode of Agents of SHIELD. I’m watching on demand which still has commercials. 

So at a commercial break, I go to the Agents of SHIELD Facebook page, and the last post on the page was a video of the SAME SCENE THAT I JUST WATCHED ON TV. This video was posted on their Facebook page only TEN MINUTES AGO.



I Have a Call with my Boss’ Boss Tomorrow

So my boss’ boss booked a half hour with me tomorrow. “My only agenda item is to see how you’re doing” 

Now, it’s NOT coincidental that she booked time with me now. Last week, I told my boss that I am a 6 out of 10 in overall job satisfaction lately because we’re short-staffed, working frantically and that I’m hurrying to learn more things before others leave the company. And I’m stressed about a project that I’m trying to get complete has hit snag after snag because IT can’t do everything I thought they could do and because I could have planned better to get clear on everything early in the process.

No, the timing is NOT coincidental. 

Now, my therapist says that I cannot, in any way, complain to my boss’ boss, about being stressed, swamped or anything like that. Management doesn’t want to hear it. It is not in my best interest to have them see me as a problem child. This could just be her checking in with me to help or it could be a check in to build a case to let me go.

“(Smile) I’m enjoying the challenges of learning so much quickly and pitching in. And my boss is great.” That’s the general idea of what my part of the call should sound like, per my therapist. 

I gotta say, I didn’t see it at first but I do agree with her. Don’t show my boss’ boss weakness. Don’t give her any ammunition to use against me. No manager wants a “case” on their staff. 

“I’m a company man, ma’am!”


Busy life going on or just Adulting?

Hey all, i haven’t blogged in a while other than coincidences. “What’s going on, Rex?”

Well… work has been busy.  Full days, and working in the evenings trying to learn new stuff that i need to train clients on. 

In the weekends I see Mona alternate Friday evening- Sunday mornings, then alternate Sundays 11am-5pm.

When I don’t see Mona, I’m walking through neighborhoods taking pics of houses for a freelance job. 

That sums up my life. The time I have off I really just try to relax as I don’t have time to do that anymore.  Not a whole lot. 

I don’t know how much time people have to relax, it’s not a conversation I have with people. BUT… coming from a lifetime of previously being VERY single… I used to have a LOT. Now I have VERY LITTLE. 

Ok fine. I may be able to schedule better.  But do I really need time to relax? As an adult with more responsiblies these days, is this how it is? As one of those… you know… “adults”?


My Boss is Creating Drama 

So I have a new-ish boss, Dave. The one he replaced, Sally, was a company veteran and knows everything. Dave, however, is new to the company and industry and is trying to catch up. 

A few months ago, he said that my coworker, Maggie, complained to him that I bother her too much with questions to which I already should know the answers.

So from there, I hardly said a peep to Maggie or to anyone.  Sometimes stressing about if I should already know the answer or how I would look if I did ask someone. 


I never said anything to Maggie, didn’t want to ruffle any more feathers.


Well, yesterday Maggie tendered her resignation and because she’s going to a competitor, she was forced out today. So, I figured “what the hell?” and called her to get the scoop. 

Turns out, she didn’t say that exactly.  Maggie is very senior so Dave would ask her how Rex is doing. So she mentioned to him that I was asking her questions but already knew the answers.

That’s it. 


Forker. (sic)

So my boss’ misinterpretation not only caused me undue stress but caused a rift between me and Maggie. AND he used that to give me a negative review. 

Son… of a batch! (sic)

Turns out, Maggie has gripes about Dave too. She’s bled for the company for five years and this year especially and in her review he wrote only four sentences with some negative impressions.  Meanwhile, Maggie has been a rock star and he could have written a glowing chapter on her if he spoke to the previous boss, Sally, who is still at the company. Now, I don’t know if he did or he didn’t, but where there’s NO smoke, there’s NO fire.

Perhaps he just wanted to instill a little “fear off the boss” in me to drive me forward. Which, if he did, it kind of worked. But if not, then he’s a jackass.